Jigsaw
by Katherine Quinn
Summary: A dictionary of a relationship...
1. First Few Words

This is meant as a preview—I would like to know if this is compelling enough to continue, or if I should just let it die. Thanks in advance—K.Q.

ache, n.

Alex quickly and succinctly ran down the summation of the case, pausing only long enough to catch the strange look in Olivia's eyes. She stopped, and noticed that Olivia's eyes did not wander. In fact, they seemed only to get more intent. After a few beats, Olivia noticed the silence in the room and shook her head, clearing away what had most definitely been seriously inappropriate thoughts about the beautiful attorney sitting across from her. She smiled a shy smile, and then frowned when she heard Alex's whispered question about what she could possibly have been looking at.

Olivia smiled her patented half smile. "It's nothing," she said, standing and heading for the door. Her hand on the knob, she turned when she heard Alex speak to her again.

"No tell me," Alex insisted, "What are you thinking?" Olivia smiled again and she wanted more than anything for her embarrassment not to shine through as she shook her head again. Alex's eyes followed her, the question unanswered hanging in the air.

She didn't hear Olivia's whisper, expelled with a breath. "Just trying not to wish."

Advice, n.

"You know," Olivia said, opening the door without knocking, and strutting self-assuredly into the room, "the guys warned me not to come over here." Without looking up, Alex found herself blowing her bangs out of her eyes as she struggled to find the last words for the sentence she was carefully constructing before giving Olivia any of her attention

"Oh yeah?" Alex asked, with a small smirk crossing her face. "It didn't have anything to do with the Ander's case, did it?"

"I think they may have mentioned something about that. It was kind of hard to follow, you, Elliot, some screaming, him fearing for his manhood, Fin hiding in the corner crying, you know, the norm."

"Oh give me a break." Alex said the smile on her face growing as she leaned back into her chair and actually gave her full attention to the brunette woman who was more than obviously making herself comfortable. "So why are you here? Come to get Elliot's testicles back?"

"Well, I wanted, I thought, honestly?" Olivia asked, feeling suddenly silly.

"No, lie to me." Alex said, rolling her eyes.

"I just wanted to see you."

"You becoming an undying romantic?" Alex teased, her smile expressing her appreciation.

"No," Olivia scoffed a little too quickly. "Ah, so what if I am? Sue me."

Alteration, n.

"I just really don't like it," Alex said, crossing her arms. "It's just not you." She proclaimed.

"What does that mean?" Olivia asked, the offending garment in her hand.  
>"I don't know, it's just, it's too, too, girly."<br>"Newsflash, Alex, I am a girl."  
>"Yes, I know that," Alex sighed, "I just. I hate it."<br>"All right, all right, you win. Okay? There will be a ceremonial burning in ten minutes."

"I'll bring the lighter fluid." Alex chipped.

"Just be warned," Olivia said, "One day the situation will be reversed and you better be prepared."

"Is that a threat?" Alex asked, amused.

"No, but you should note that I really hate romantic comedies."

Alex looked at her for a moment, thinking carefully before she spoke. "Maybe you should keep the shirt."

Confident adj.

Olivia smirked as the doors swung open and all the eyes in the place turned to gawk at her beautiful companion. The smile grew as Alex shot a look over her shoulder, a look that acknowledged all the eyes on her. Letting her own eyes wander around the room, sure that all eyes were on the beautiful blonde and not herself, she could palpably feel the confidence that exuded from Alex as she smiled easily. So with all the confidence of her beautiful companion, she couldn't help asking herself why all she felt was doubt.

Composure, n.

The fight had been escalating all night, and now, it had worked its way up to a full-fledged war. "I don't know why you get like this," Alex sighed as she turned her back and rested her hands on the kitchen counter, a frown creasing her features. Olivia's head whipped around, her eyes shooting flames. The look on Alex's face told her what she needed to know. It was one of those moments where Olivia knew knowing how much rested on her next few words. She knew that losing it now would mean losing the blonde as well. She knew it. She hated it. But she loved too thoroughly and needed too greatly. She took a deep breath and let it out, watching Alex's face carefully as she crafted her response.

Epiphany, n.

Expecting nothing but a dark apartment, Olivia couldn't quite suppress her surprise as she swung the door open to expose the lights on and her beautiful blonde headed girlfriend sitting on the couch, a book in hand, her glasses lazily perched on the end of her nose sound asleep. For a second she stopped, taking in the scene as she felt the weight lift from her shoulders and a slow smile spread across her face. Letting her jacket slip from her shoulders, she crossed the room to gently let her hands rest on Alex's slim shoulders. With a gentle kiss to her cheek, Olivia woke the blonde who smiled a lazy smile. "I was waiting for you…" she explained as she tried to wipe the sleep from her eyes.

"I see," Olivia whispered, and then it happened. It was the moment she had both feared and dreamed about, the moment she knew for sure.

Focus, n.

There were times when she caught herself looking a little bit too long. Sometimes, when they were a little bit drunk and the pressure was a little bit too much, their eyes would catch, and for a second their gaze would smolder until one of them had the good sense to become too shy and look away. That look, those moments, would stay burned into her mind until all she could remember were the dark brown eyes that followed her no matter where she went or how hard she tried to hide.

It started as a lark—something that was only personal torture. After all, who would suspect her of a high school crush? She had constructed her entire adult life around the concept that she was beyond these silly emotions. But it had gotten to a point that there was no denying that there was something about the other woman that made her cheeks red and burn.

It was all perfectly innocent after all. Innocent until she closed her eyes and the warm image of holding her close, kissing those beautiful perfect pink lips, and melting into her arms flooded her consciousness and kept her pulse beating hard.

And she was pretty sure that Olivia felt it too.

Insecure, adj.

She hated the uncertainty. She hated the feeling. The worry. It hadn't been like this before. It hadn't been so serious. She wondered, the thought echoing through her head, "What if I love her more than she loves me?" She looked into the blue eyes trying to find the answer, but not quite finding the exact answer she wanted or needed. Taking a deep breath, taking a moment, she made up her mind. Her head tilted, her eyes flicked closed as she leaned in and let their lips touch for the first time. The decision was made. She would find out in time if her fears were a reality or merely a sense of panic that came from trusting in something so completely she felt she could lose herself inside.

Judge, v.

"I guess I just never really thought about it, you know?" she whispered.

"Thought about what?" Alex asked sleepily, as she pushed herself deeper into Olivia's arms.

"About the difference, between, I mean, you know." She sighed, confused, frustrated at her own loss for words.

"What difference?" Alex prompted, pushing but still patiently waiting for an answer.

"Between the first time you do this, and the first time it, well, means something."

Prude, n.

Most certainly, she had seen almost everything. Nothing really surprised her anymore. There wasn't much left to even consider when it came to sex, it seemed. No matter how creative it was, she felt like she had seen it. Maybe that's what led her to be so, well, as Alex put it, "vanilla." She never considered things that she had seen as possible for her. She never understood the idea of sex in weird places, after all, who would really want to do something like have sex on the floor? It was dirty, and uncomfortable, and, well, it was just wrong. It wasn't until after she met Alex that she realized the truth—you never even realize you're on the floor.

Vigil, n.

Alex slipped into bed quietly, watching her girlfriend sleep. Her features relaxed, Alex gently pushed hair off her face, tucking the growing strand behind an ear before she settled into a more comfortable position. She thought about all the ways her life had changed in the past year, going from being in hiding to being here, next to the person she had always secretly loved. In her mind, she wondered where she would be without Olivia. In her heart she imagined that Olivia had saved her life. In more than a few ways, it was true. There were times that Olivia had actually physically protected her from harm. But, of course, that wasn't when her life had been saved. It had been when she had returned to New York with a hole in her heart, a loneliness that consumed her and followed her. It had nearly ruined her, though she barely admitted it, even to herself. But now, here she was, lying next to the person who had changed everything, and finally, she was happy.


	2. Chapter 2

Probe, n.

"I have been thinking," Alex said, crossing the room and leaning against the desk directly in front of the chair Olivia sat in. Olivia really wished she wouldn't do that, wished there was something else to focus on besides those long legs and beautiful figure.

"Yes," Olivia said, nodding her head and trying to keep her eyes locked with Alex's.

"We should, maybe, go out sometime. Get a drink." Alex suggested.

"Well, the guys and I were going out tonight. Want to come?" She asked hopefully.

"Uh, no." Alex said, her fingers tapping against the edge of the desk.

"Oh," Olivia frowned. "I thought you wanted to…"

Alex interrupted, her arms crossing. "I was thinking that maybe we should go." Olivia's blank expression caused her to continue. "You know, you and I. Alone." She said, stressing each work to further impress her point onto the detective.

"Oh," Olivia answered again, smiling as her mind raced with possibilities.

Mirror, v.

There was a mirror on the wall in Alex's bedroom. It wasn't there for anything kinky, Alex had explained, but it had been her grandmother's and it meant something to her, and well, she couldn't really find anywhere else to put it. When they would make love, Olivia would catch her own eyes in it, but usually, she turned her head away. She was so vulnerable; so entirely exposed. But tonight, she watched herself, her eyes getting caught as Alex slid down her body. She watched, feeling her own body escalating beyond her control. So she gave in. She lay back, watching, throwing herself into the game with abandon. She watched, knowing she was giving up control, knowing she was vulnerable, and loving every minute of it.

Distraction, n.

Sitting at opposite ends of the sofa, Alex watched as Olivia's eyes glazed over. The TV in front of them blaring, providing a distraction and a reason to not speak. They still hadn't talked about the big news of the day—Elliot's official departure from SVU. Alex knew better than to bring it up herself and she waited silently for Olivia to broach the subject. She sighed, a sound that caught Olivia's momentary attention before she turned back to the moving pictures on the screen.

"He didn't even say goodbye," she whispered, as a small tear snaked down her face.

"I'm sorry," she responded, words that were inadequate, but none the less heartfelt.

"I know." Olivia sighed. Before Alex, this would have broken her, but now, stretching her body so her head was on Alex's lap, staring up into her blue eyes, she knew that while this would hurt, eventually she would be okay.

Push, v.

It wasn't the first fight and Olivia knew it wouldn't be their last. These things happened in every relationship, silly little blips on their relationship radar, but as Alex continued to push her, Olivia let her mind wander. She was not an innocent party in this one. She knew what drove Alex crazy and she used it to push her buttons. As much as she hated fighting, she had to admit that the angrier the blonde got, the more Olivia wanted to punch her buttons. It may not be fair, and it may not be rational, but knowing Alex would forgive her in the end made it all worth it.

Shy, adj.

"So, umm, yeah." Alex stumbled over her words. "Good luck," She said, reaching forward and punching Olivia on the arm. They were dating, but no one knew. Working together led to these awkward situations—her approving something, knowing it would be incredibly dangerous and then watching as Olivia gave her a brave smile. She hated it, but she was the one who was afraid to change it, so instead of doing what she really wanted, she stood back, trying to express in entirely inadequate words what her heart was begging her to let out. As she watched Olivia look over her shoulder one last time and try to give her a reassuring smile she was sure that this whole thing had to change.

Confess, v.

"So, are you going to tell me or?" Elliot said as they sat in the car, both staring straight ahead ostensibly watching the entrance to the building for any movement.

"Tell you what?"

"About the person you're dating," he said slowly, carefully choosing his words.

"I'm not.." she said, not looking in his direction.

"Look," he said, shaking his head. "I know you. And I know you loved her from the moment you saw her. I'm happy for you. Both of you." He paused, waiting for her partner to respond.

"Thanks." She sighed.

"Liv?" He asked quietly.

"Yeah?"

"It's Alex right?"

Family, n.

Olivia sighed as she took a deep breath and prepared herself for the onslaught before her. It was time to meet Alex's family. It really wasn't fair. Alex would never face this firing squad. She didn't have a family to meet. Her father didn't even deserve the moniker, not that she even knew who or where he was. Her mother was dead. The only person she knew she could rely on was herself.

She wondered what her mother would have said if she had met Alex. Olivia had never bothered to tell her about her dating life—her relationship with her mother was too complicated to intentionally expose something that could so easily be used to wound her later. She believed that if her mother had given her a chance, Alex would have been the one to win her over.

But it would never happen now. When she had fallen down those stairs, it had been both a blessing and a curse. Her mother was dead and she would never again know her love—but she would never have to experience her hate either. The slurred epitaphs that sometimes danced through her brain when she most wanted to forget they existed. It lingered with her even now—when she heard a whispered I love you she expected to hear her mother's voice telling her she wasn't worthy.

Sometimes, now, it was quieter, but it was still there. Sometimes she was better at tapping it down. Sometimes, like now, it echoed through her making her body ache. But she smiled, focusing on the task ahead, letting Alex's squeeze of her hand give her a confidence she did not feel.

Questioning, v.

"We don't have to," Olivia said, biting her lip as Alex kissed a line down her neck. Her breath was coming faster, her eyes flickered closed, and then opened.

"I know," Alex whispered as her hand wandered up the brunette's lean body and cupped her breast.

"Oh God," Olivia gasped, as Alex's fingers tangled in her hair and their tongues twisted. "I just…I just don't want you to regret…"

The word regret made Alex pull back, Olivia whimpering at the loss of contact.

"Will you regret this?" She asked letting her head tilt to the side as she waited for an answer.

"No," she answered without a thought.

"Neither will I."


End file.
